Every so often I read The Mail Online and wonder what my life would look like splashed across the website for a pack of click-ready hyenas to troll. Anyhow, in a moment of boredom I decided to write my own Daily Mail-inspired column of shame. Here we go.
Is this Art Historian a benefits CHEAT? We ask whether Michelle has ROBBED the tax payer by studying a USELESS degree.
‘Scarlet fever: Michelle’s pink skirt gets caught in her knickers AGAIN!’
‘Are you lonesome tonight? Recent photos show Michelle exiting a night club alone. But our expert asks ‘Do alcohol and late nights CAUSE INFERTILITY in women UNDER 25?”
‘I just can’t afford it’: Meet the woman living RENT FREE in a THREE BEDROOM HOUSE who claims €3 coffees are TOO EXPENSIVE!’
‘Counting Crow’s feet: Has Michelle lost her youthful good looks? Recent poll suggests women in their mid-twenties are 83% LESS DESIRABLE than they are in their late teens.’
‘I look like I’ve been punched!’ Michelle considers turning to drastic measures as make-up fails to cover up dark under-eye circles.’
‘CelluLIGHT? She may be lithe but those hips don’t lie as pockets of cellulite ripple on the beach.’
‘The ups and downs of not taking the elevator: returning to the office, the beleaguered Michelle fell UP the stairs before sliding BACK DOWN and cutting her leg. But is this the ONLY TIME it’s acceptable to cry in the workplace?’
‘Are you INSANE? Described as keeping a low profile by friends, Michelle was spotted at an event last week following a recent bust up with a mystery man. But a new study published by Ontario State University suggests MEN are the LEADING CAUSE OF MADNESS in women UNDER 25. Jan Moir wonders whether Michelle has got a dose of the MAD COW disease.’
For whatever reason I’ve always imagined The Hall of The Mountain King is played two minute before every deadline @ Daily Mail HQ.